A Loveless Marriage – What Is It?
So many people want to know how to cope and stay in a "loveless marriage". Many people have different perspectives and perceptions of what a loveless marriage is or isn’t. There are many definitions of loveless. There are people who think it means sexless and to others it may be the type of relationship that will lack intimacy and closeness.
- lack of intimacy
- no emotional closeness
- going through the motions
There may well be intercourse or sex, but the emotional closeness that typically exists between married couples is just not there for whatever reason. This can be lacking on the part of one or both of the parties. It will appear that the couple are going through the motions without the emotions behind it.
Why Stay In A Loveless Marriage?
Some people will stay in a loveless marriage because of the children as they do not want the children to experience separation or divorce. In other instances there could be financial burdens or limitations that will stop you from walking away. And there are those that will stay due to the commitment to the marriage.
Some believe that marriage should be forever, and do their best to make it work.
There are strategies that you could use to cope with these type of relationships. But, I also firmly believe that you don't have to live this way. You can turn a marriage without love completely around with a little bit of effort, openness, and patience.
Assumptions Of A Loveless Marriage
Never define your marriage based on expectations of others: Loveless marriage implies that no love exists between the couple or that it will never exist. This is very limiting and this perception doesn't do anything to help your cause. It would be better to see it as a marriage that is experiencing a rough patch and shows lack of intimacy. This is not to say that you cannot reignite the feelings of love. When you make assumptions it will create problems and will not resolve anything for you.
Expectations of a Loveless Marriage
It is important that you do not concern yourself with others thoughts or expectations. Your marriage isn't really anyone's business but your own, but the media would have us think that if we aren't all over each other all of the time, there is something wrong with us. With that said, most married couples do have a bond and a commitment that binds them which is based on shared feelings of intimacy, closeness, and understanding.
- Don't concern yourself with others
- Your bond and committment is unique
- There is nothing wrong with you because of other's expectations
- What do YOU need to make your marriage happy
If these components are lacking doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. All this signifies is that you do have work to do. There is no need to concern yourself with other people’s expectations regarding your marriage. Only you and your partner can decide this. Don't let others make you feel that you are lacking or that you should do something else to please anyone but yourself. What is it you and your partner need to feel happy and feel connected, focus on this.
Why Everbody Deserves More When They Are In A Loveless Marriage
Many people choose to stay in a loveless marriage because of the kids, and do not want to hurt anybody. This is a mistake, it does in time, become obvious that you are not happy.
Children are very perceptive, and parents who aren't affectionate or closely bonded are modelling the type of marriage that your children may well grow up and experience themselves.
Counsellors are very fond of saying that the greatest gift that you can give your child (and to yourself) are two parents who are happy and who love each other. This sounds clichéd, but I believe it to be completely accurate.
You and your partner are role models constantly demonstrating how to live, interact and connect to your children. They do grow up and will know only what they have observed. They will sense and see other households that are different to theirs but they will live similarly to you. To say the least children are affected when they grow up in a home that always lacked love and laughter.
- You and your partner are role models
- Interact and connect to your children
- Your example may not be as healthy as you think
I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty or to insinuate that you aren't doing the best that you can for your children. This is to inform you that your intentions are honourable, but they may not be that healthy for your children as you hoped.
Turning Around A Marriage That Is Loveless.
There is a possibility that you choose to read this article as you could be going through the motions of not having intimacy. It is a habit and you can break it. Somebody has to make the first move. Since you care more than enough then let it be you. Feelings of being vulnerable and you may hesitate to initiate, but being proactive is better cause then you will see results.
- Don't be scared to initiate
- It's ok to feel vulnerable
- Take charge of your own actions
There are two choices. Honesty with your partner, where you can talk and discuss the lack of intimacy and work through to change things. Try to make this sound like something that is going to be mutually beneficial and fun, not something that is going to require a lot of "work." You're really trying to get to a place where the two of you can have fun and be upbeat together so try to keep the conversation on this same keel.
Or you can start the change yourself with your own actions. Maybe you don't want to lay your cards on the table yet, but you'd like to start to making some changes with what you can control – yourself. It will be up to you to initiate the intimate gestures. Start small at first. You can send loving glances, brush hands or initiate spontaneous laughter. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and move slowly. But, over time, your goal is to slowly improve things so that physical touch and emotional closeness don't feel so foreign and awkward.
Finding Happiness For Yourself
While these small changes unfold in your marriage it is important that you do look into yourself for your own fulfillment and happiness. In a nutshell you cannot give what you do not have yourself. It is difficult to be light of heart and playful with your spouse when you are depressed and feel unfulfilled in your own heart.
It is best if people focus on what actually makes them happy as a person, then all will fall into place and the outcome is a happier couple. You will be open to receiving any pleasure and you will be able to give and take as you have learned to be responsible for and participate in your own happiness. This is to say you will not require your partner to give you this, but you will set it in a way that they can enjoy it with you.
If you would like additional help go to the Americal Counselling Association http://www.counseling.org/