Forgive Us Poor Men, We Know No Better

“He Says” By Phil Gilliam

My name is Phil Gilliam and I am a coach and author and specialize in working with men and their relationships with women. Heather asked me to help with your education in the mysteries of men and relationships. I couldn’t be more honored.

I thought I would start the same way I start with my clients; a history lesson. I will keep it short and entertaining. Over the past fifty years or so an amazing sociological change has been in motion and rightly so, women have been taking their right to be treating and viewed as equals in the work place and even in the home. Do I agree and support this mission? ABSOLUTELY!

I however, do have an opinion. It is my opinion that in the same time frames men mistakenly translated the request of women to be allowed to play on a level playing field to men accommodating and elevating women. Therein, is one of the biggest issues in relationships today.

You see men, just as you, learn from role models and mentors. The problem is that our role models meaning our fathers, male influences, our mothers, TV, and pop culture is either working from outdated material or fiction. Now without going into great detail, I would say it is pretty obvious with the divorce rate so high and the amount of anti-depressants we as a culture consume, that our role models on both sides of the genders, as a whole missed the mark a bit.

Now, women have been marching right along; you are doing your best to succeed in the work place and in the home, but if men are working off of a 1950’s model of relationships and doing better in his eyes than the bumbling idiots on sitcoms and reality TV, then he may believe that he is doing his job well. He works, he provides, and he comes home just like his dad or grandpa or maybe even better. If he didn’t have the male in the family around he is following the instructions of his mom who said to be home and support your family. He thinks he is doing well.

Think of the time and energy men put into their education or trade, and the training available for him to be a successful supporting member of our society. The resources and social pressures to be a success are off the charts, but I often ask, after men have spent the better part of 16 years learning to be a success, how many times in that period were we coached or directed to learn about how to deal with the relationships we desire in the time between the hour we get home and sleep? None. We are even social programmed as men to not talk about relationships.

You see someone forgot to send out the memo to us poor men, that in today’s world that model is only playing a quarter of the game. Women are working and supporting the family too and unfortunately still being asked to carry all of the responsibilities of what was called “woman’s work.”

Women as a whole are taking on so many more of the masculine traits, whether by choice or necessity, and quite frankly most guys don’t know what to do with that. At work women are making the decisions and having to maintain control, at home they are making decisions and managing the household and the list goes on, but the point is that men really don’t understand how to deal with it or that those issues are impacting the relationship, and in my opinion, women don’t want to always have control of every situation. Women want to have the ability to be lead when the need arises, and supported when that is desired. Women want to have a man who is willing to take the role he promised to support and grow in that role as the relationship progresses. Again, most men are oblivious to what that means and even if they did they would be unsure of how to fulfill it.

Evolutionary psychologists regularly remind us that the short period of time we have been living in a “civilized” society is only a fraction of the time compared to the millions of years humans have been in existence all religions and religious arguments aside. That being said, there is some basic hard-wiring in both men and women’s brains that demand that we have a balance for the security and survival of the family and ourselves. With that kind of hard-wiring and the social changes that are moving at the speed of broadband; men are unfortunately oblivious to the issues at hand. Yes, that may be by choice, but oblivious just the same.

Most men really do not realize that in surrendering their masculinity whether by choice or ignorance they are creating the very issues in the relationship that they don’t want to have happening. Contrary to popular belief men are not trying to cause fights or create reasons for you to be upset or as I call it “constructively criticize” him.

There is more to this history lesson and I promise I will expand on these issues in future postings, but will close with this. On behalf of my brothers, I ask for forgiveness, not that it is not our responsibility to learn and grow to have our relationships be a success, it is that most of us are oblivious to the fact that there is a problem. In this case ignorance is not bliss!

Contact Phil @ Average Guy Help